Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters

I read a book.

Hey, guess what! The American economy hates kids! Why? Because doing it right* takes away precious time from your employer.

Hell, even The Onion knows.

I didn't need this book to tell me that the society I live in is not truly setup to support families, much less acknowledge that in order to have thriving children, you need to let their parents be the primary people who attend to their needs.  I didn't need the author to point out that it's not against the principles of feminism to want to care for your child at the expense of your career.  The problem is not that mothers don't want to be with their children; the problem is that prioritizing that decision in this society can cost you.

But -- I also didn't need this book to tell me that I should explain to my kid why I won't allow him to do something rather than just telling him no. Or perhaps that I should constantly talk about our feelings, always referring to myself in the third person. (Both of those suggestions sound exhausting.) Or, perhaps, that fathers can be better caregivers if they're given a whiff of an oxytocin-laced nasal spray. (...what?) Let me be clear: no one needs to hear these things because they're opinions. Or are just plain weird.

There are other people who do a better job of explaining where this book falls short. The first year of life is a big deal, but we're not going to make it easier by suggesting that burden of prioritizing your child or your job is an individual choice, which was the feeling I had while reading this book. The system is working against us.

There are a handful of things this book does well:

• gives support for the conflicted feelings many women have when going back to work
• ripping apart the notion that "quality time" can make up for actually being there (though I think this gets more important when you have older children)
• repeating the word "status" when talking about decision-making.  Since the bulk of her readers are going to be middle- to upper middle class families, I think the reminder that doing an action you don't feel right about just because you feel it's expected is bull. (This is my own take on the matter -- I'll spare you my rant about the idiosyncrasies of professional class life in a college town and its surrounding area.) 

I'll give her some credit for raising the discussion, too, because the more people who chime in saying, "The way we're doing this is messed up, and it's terrible for children and parents." the better.

* - No one's doing it right.